Television is rather a frightening business. But I get all the relaxation I want from my collection of model soldiers.
Peter Cushing

Saturday 8 April 2017

"It's the screaming that makes it beautiful." - A Bloodbowl Match Report

 "Good afternoon, Sports Fans! Welcome to another League match of the beautiful bloody game, Bloodbowl."

"and it promises to be a scorching match , Jim."

"That's right, Bob - in more ways that one. It's a sweltering day here in the new stadium. So hot that I'll be surprised if we don't see a few players carried offwith heat exhaustion."

"especailly in those swanky new team kits, Jim."

"So what are the prospects for the match today, Bob?"

"Interesting, Jim; in the pub last night the eager fans were bombarding the coaching team of the Multiple Scoregasms with advice so I think they may have an edge there."

"But the Wissenland Wasps have the advantage of a home crowd, Bob, and that always helps out."

"And here we go for the kick off, Jim. The Scoregasms are receiving, and they've gone for a very conservative set up. They're keeping well back from that bruising lineup of the Wasps."

"And who can blame them, Bob? I wouldn't much fancy half a ton of engorged orc slamming into me this early in the game."

"Each to their own, Jim."

"And a tricky little kickoff from the Wasps there; the Scoregasms are going to have to come close to smacking range to pick up that ball!"

"If they're running true to form, the Scoregasms will waste no time at all in forming up a cage to try and roll that ball down the wide zone -- yes, there they go!"

"And there go the Wasps, smashing into that cage like an enraged elephant hopped up on Goblin shrooms!"

"Possibly a drunken elephant, Jim. That's a clumsy fall there!"

"And it's left a hole the size of a giant's nostril for the human catcher to skip out and dart down the outside! This is a classic Scoregasms run that we've seen them use time and time again to score. The only chance the Wasps have got is if they can somehow shut down that run!"

"Which they've done with the brutality of a Dwarf mine-chief shutting down an unprofitable pit!"

"And the ball has scattered down into the Wasp's endzone!"*

"Oh, Jim -- look at that; the Wasps have gone on the offensive. They're battering through the Scoregasms line, ripping it open for their Blitzer who has grabbed that ball and is legging it down the pitch like an elf with a firework between his cheeks."

"what kind of books have you been reading, Bob?"

"Books that are significantly cleaner than the tactics being used by the Wasps here, Jim. The crackling of codpieces out there sounds like the patter of summer rain."

"More like a monsoon, Bob! Look at the state of the Scoregasm's line."

"Ooooh, that's got to hurt!"

"Death will do that all right, Bob."

"And look at the state of that field as the Wasps run home for a touchdown!"

"And right we were, Bob - there's three from each team laid low by the blistering heat out there."

"The blistering heat of the Wasp's brutality is the real story here, Jim."

"There's not a lot of players left on the pitch as the Wasps receive and pile right back on in there."

"But it gets nowhere as the whistle blows for the end of the first half."

"I don't think we've seen a run twice down the pitch like that in many a year."

"By Nuffle's leathery balls, this could go anywhere; the Wasps are up one touchdown but that's not much of a margin."

"True, Bob, but the Scoregasms are going to have trouble standing up to the punishment the Wasps are putting out. It's certainly going to be an interesting second half."

 "They're both setting up aggressively, Jim."

"And the Wasps are stright in with a brutal play."

"Oh my word, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The human defensive line is going down like wheat bowing in a summer breeze."

"But with more screaming, Bob."

"That's what makes it beautiful, Jim."

"The Wasps are slamming it down the outside-- but oh, look at the size of that tackle!"

"It is a big one."

"But he's up and he's going to try and recover the ball--"

"Nuffle says 'no', Jim."

 "And that's all the break the Scoregasms need as they pelt down to the line of scrimmage and -- are they going for a pass? They are - and it's a loooooong one."

"But it's a good one - and that's a TOUCHDOWN!"

"It's all to play for - but not everyone will be on the pitch as another few players have been struck down by the heat."

"If only they'd had a cool refreshing glass of Bloodweiser to keep them chilled, Jim."

"Have you got another sponsorship deal, Bob?"

"Let's not get bogged down in that right now, Jim. They're getting set up for the next play, and this is going to be a key--"

"--hand on there, Bob - there's a riot in the stands. The Ref has put the clock back!"

"Well now, with more time on the clock this gives more chance for either team to break the tie. And the Wasps are kicking off - and another nasty little play there as they force the depleted little team to come right up close."

"But they're through and they're hammering down like an Elf on the way to a Barack Man'Ilow concert!"

"This could be the tiebreaker, Jim -- but no, look, there goes the Wasp Blitzers. They've not got a chance of blitzing him."

"But they have got a tackle zone on him and -- YES! over he goes!"

"And the Wasps have picked the ball up... surely they can't do it again?"

"Anything is possible by the grace of Nuffle, Bob!"

"They're slamming the remaining Scoregasms out of the way like cheap garden furniture in a hurricane. A last ditch attempt by the humans to knock him down... But oh dear, that's not the way to do it."

"And the way is clear for the Wasps to score a touchdown."

"But it looks like the Scoregasms aren't going to go down without a fight; they're doing the classic. The beauty of this game. They're performing the honourable and ancient rite of Putting The Boot In."

"And they're really going for it with a foul--"

"But oh dear! The ref's seen it! He's been sent off!"

"And the Wasps have sauntered over the line - just as the final whistle goes. That's a win for the Wasps, 2 touchdowns to 1!"

"What a fabulous nailbiter of a game. You know how you can tell it's a good game, Jim? There's practically no-one left on the pitch."

"A full casualty dugout is the sign of a good game, Bob."

"You know what else is the sign of a good game, Jim? That you've worked up a good thirst. A thirst that can only be quenched by a cool, refreshing Bloodweiser - available from this Stadium."

"You're shameless, Bob."

"Shameless and rich, Bob. Shameless and rich."

********                               *******

Another good game of Bloodbowl. I say again - it's impossible to have any other kind. But  - inexpressible joy! - this time I won. I may have to change the name of this blog if this keeps up!

The new pitch and players look rather nice, I think. 

*Yes, we screwed up the rules and rolled a d6 for that scatter. Bugger it; it made for a much better game and more entertaining story.


  1. An absolutely brilliant read, certainly brightened my morning cup of tea.

  2. Excellent read nicely done.

  3. Excellent read nicely done.

  4. Looks like a great game, I do love me some BB :)

    1. Who doesn't love BB? It was a great game - thanks for reading.

  5. A wonderfully well written and illustrated game. Made my post shopping and house cleaning coffee all the nicer.