Television is rather a frightening business. But I get all the relaxation I want from my collection of model soldiers.
Peter Cushing

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

"That's why they call it Bloodbowl, Bob." - A Match Report

"Hello sports fans and welcome to the second match in this year's season of Bloodbowl!"

"That's right, Jim, and this time we have another first time coach taking control of the Reikland Reavers. It turns out that, although he's never coached a team before he was a professional player of some sort of game called Rugh-bee."

"What's that, Bob?"

"Bloodbowl for little girls, Jim; no spikes and apparently they try and keep injuries to a minimum."

"That's positively obscene, Bob."

"The teams are getting ready for the kick off here and the Orkshire Rippers are receiving. And almost immediately, they've grabbed the ball and they're making a break down the wide zone."

"Another aggressive play from the Rippers, Bob. But - oh, that's a good block by the Reivers and they've shut the play down."

"Unless the Rippers go for a long pass - which they do. Can the Reivers get anyone over to stop that Ork Linesman from making it to the Endzone?"

"Not with the Rippers piling into them like that in the midfield, Jim. That's a TOUCHDOWN!"

"As we set up for the next kickoff, you can see the aggressive style of play of the Reivers coach there, Bob."

"Yes, Jim, and he's piling a catcher down the wide zone there to receive a long, long, pass - but he's not thrown the ball yet, he's throwing a block on the line of scrimmage and --"

"--oh dear, Bob, that's bad news. With a turnover there his catcher is all alone deep in the Ripper side and there's nothing to stop them from taking him down. That's a rookie error that's going to cost the Reivers, Bob."

"But look at this, Jim - one of the Linesmen has slipped through the gap in the defensive line and is powering down the field!"

"There's nothing to stop that guy equalling the score Bob - unless that Ripper Linesman can throw a successful block --"

"Which he can't - that's a TOUCHDOWN!"

"This is turning into a nail biter of a match, Bob."

"Yes indeed, Jim. But with only two turns on the clock of this first half, do you think the Rippers receiving here can realistically score?"

"I don't think so, Bob - and looking at that set up, I don't think the Rippers do either."

"Jim, am I right in thinking that the Ripper coach is going to just try and hold on to the ball and then do as much damage to the Reivers as possible?"

"Certainly looks that way, Bob. And there we go!"

"That's brutal, Jim; I don't care what race you're from, that's gotta hurt."

"That's why they call it Bloodbowl, Bob."

"And the Reivers are responding in kind. This isn't a game, this it carnage!"

"Isn't it beautiful? The Reivers throwing a foul onto the that guy - but the Ref has seen! And the Rippers are getting in on the fouling action as well - the air is filling with the roar of the crowd and the cracking of codpieces as yet another player is sent off! Oh, the humanity, Jim."

"This is nothing to do with humanity, Bob. It's not humane to do that to a guy he's down. So at the end of that first half we've had two players sent off, one death, two KOs and the score is one all."

"Setting up the second half, the Reivers are playing more cautiously due to their being three men down but you can see the Rippers piling on to the line of scrimmage again; they've tasted blood and realised they like it."

"Oh my word, Bob look at the Rippers go; they're steamrollering into the Reivers like... Well, like a steamroller over a halfling garden party. Oh look at that - the Rippers are gathering around the fallen players and - I can't watch!"

"You don't have to watch, you can hear the screams from here. Definitely Soprano now as well, Jim."

"The Reivers Dugout is full to overflowing! They simply don't have enough players on the field left to stop the Rippers from strolling down the field!"

"Especially not when the last two men on the field are boxed in and have their nadgers stamped into flapjacks, Jim."

"Setting up for what has to be the last play, Bob, and it looks the the receiving Reivers are going to make a cage and grind down the wide zone there."

"There they go, Jim. And they're sending the Blitzer round the cage to receive a pass - he's close enough to make a run to the Endzone and score in the last few minutes unless the Rippers can close him down."

"Which they do, with quite considerable force. And what are they doing now, Bob?"

"I think it's called 'kicking a man when he's down', Jim."

"Best time, Bob. And at the final whistle there it's 2-1 to the Rippers; we had four players sent off, one death and at one point it looked like we'd need to build an extension to the dugout to hold all the injured players."

"Now that's what I call a good afternoon out, Jim. See you next time, Sportsfans!"

Another game with a first time player who very quickly got the hang of it. I think we might have the makings of a league...