Television is rather a frightening business. But I get all the relaxation I want from my collection of model soldiers.
Peter Cushing

Friday, 1 July 2016

"He's dumped off on the Witch Elf!" "Can't make the hair any worse, Bob" - a Bloodbowl Match Report

"Hello sports fans, and welcome to the first match in the inaugural Old Blokes League."

"Yes indeedy, Jim, this promises to be a feast of middle aged men pretending they can still do sports. So who do you like in tonight's match?"

"Well, Bob, it's a tricky one. We have the Niflheim Ravens, who haven't been on the field for 20 years. And on the other hand we the Multiple Scoregasms, a brand new human team. Franky, it's as finely balanced as a prima ballerina on point."

"When did you learn so much about ballet, Jim?"

"I'm a man of many talents, Bob. The crowd has settled in, and that's got to be a boost for the Multiples - they have well over fourty thousand fans cheering them on. Can you see the Ravens' fanbase, Bob?"

"I think that's him over to left there, eating a rat on a stick, Jim."

"And here we go, Bob. It's the Multiples to kick off. Oh, and it's sailed off the field and into the crowd. The Dark elf runner has taken the ball and it powering down the centre of the pitch."

"That's right, Jim - and there goes the Witch Elf to try and block off any chance of pursuit and -- oh, she's down! That's not a good start.

"That's right, Bob. They've got to close him down before he can reach the endzone for the first - and easiest - touchdown in League history. But what's this? A terrible block attempt has left him free to romp home!"

"Well Jim, that's one up for the Ravens!"

"Yes indeed, Bob. They glided that one in like Ponce de Lyon dancing the lead in Swan Lake."

"You're starting to scare me now, Jim. And so they've set up for the next kick off, and the Multiples have gone for a quite aggressive set up."

"Look at them go, Bob! I thought the Elvish teams were supposed to be fast. There's a break up in the wide zone there as the Thrower prepares himself in the centre. The Ravens really need to close this down pretty damned quick, Bob."

"They're trying, Jim - a massive push forward by the defensive line and a fairly brutal cage on the catcher up in the wide zone."

"Oh my word, Bob - look at that! The other catcher has made a break down the opposite wide zone while the Ravens were distracted! He's slipping down there like an elf's hand down a male dancer's thigh!"

"We seriously need to talk, Jim, but not right now as the Thrower has dodged wide and is going for a long pass. All he needs is a good throw--"

"--and there it is. TOUCHDOWN!"

"That was one hell of a break down there and a well deserved equaliser from the Multiples."

"There's only a few minutes left in the first half in a match that's turned out to be quite a nailbiter, Jim."

"Like the long slim nails of lithe young acrobat, Bob?"

"Maybe, Jim, maybe - but we don't have time to ponder that now as the Raven's have got off a quick snap - a very aggressive play by the Dark Elves there."

"And they've capitalised on it, Bob - they're driving down the centre again with the assassin and witch elf running interference for the runner. This is the tactic that worked for them before and they've exploited a massive hole in the Multiple's defence. Could they retake the lead?"

"They've certainly hammered that defensive line - but look, the Multiples have closed the runner off and he's done a dump off to the Witch Elf -"

"-can't make the hair any worse, Bob-"

"- can she complete the play?"

"No Bob, she can't. She's tripped under the weight of her power ballad hair and hit the deck. The ball is on the ground!"

"The Multiples have snatched it up and are running like halflings towards the pantry up the field - can they possibly snatch a touchdown, Jim?"

"Not when the Ravens pile into them like that, Bob."

"Well, Jim , as we come into the half time break and the teams have a conflab, where is your money?"

"Not in ten year gilts since the Dwarvish Referendum, Bob. Dwexit has knackered my pension fund but good."

"And so teams change half for the second go and it is all to play for."

"My word, Jim, look at that - have you ever seen something like that?"

"That's not any cage, Bob - that's a Morks and Spankers Cage (proud sponsors of this stadium). There's no way you can see the Ravens taking that on!"

"Not unless you were a barely restrained psychpathic reject from a Teenorc Turner music video, Jim - and look, there's the Witch Elf slamming in with support from half the linesmen. She's pushing them back like a row of dominos!"

"She's in a full Frenzy there, Bob, and she's managed to drive a catcher into the crowd!"

"She's followed it up with a swift heel to the nadgers, Jim - but the ref has seen it and sent her off."

"Let that be a warning, Bob - a man's nadgers are his own private kingdom. But that doesn't help them because that deluxe cage of theirs has become a trap for the ball."

"It looks bad for the Multiples here  - but look at that, they've got some air game. The ball has sailed over to the opposite wide zone! The Ravens have to try and scramble up there Jim, surely they do?"

"Yes Bob and there they go--"

"And look at that, Jim - they've lobbed the ball bac down to the other end! What a great play - the Ravens are totally out of position and the Blitzer is running the ball down the side and he's got plenty of support!"

"The Ravens are sprinting down there like the angel of death itself is breathing down their necks!"

"I believe he's the new assistant coach, Jim. And the runner has slammed into the Blitzer and taken him down! The ball has scattered to the Dark Elf runner - but he fumbles the catch and the ball scatters again - AND THE MULTIPLE'S LINESMAN HAS CAUGHT IT! UNBELIEVABLE!"

"There is literally no one to stop him from strolling into the endzone other than the runner and - yes! - that's a successful block and another TOUCHDOWN!"

"2-1 to the Multiples, Jim; there's not long left on the clock. Do you think the Ravens can equalise?"

"I honestly don't know, Bob - this is closer than I ever though possible and it's going right down the wire."

"They've kicked off and the Ravens have taken a leaf from the Multiple's own book and broken down the wide zone. The linesman zips down into the endzone. If the runner can simple throw a good pass--"

"That's not a good, pass, Bob, anything but."

"That's given the Multiple's linesman the chance to run in and grab the ball - all he has to do is pick it up -- and he's fumbled it!"

"On my word, Bob, there's seconds on the clock before the end of the match and the ball is just sitting there in the end zone. All the Raven's Linesman has to do is bend over and pick it up and they've equalized. 

"He's stepped up and is standing right over the ball, Jim. All he has to do is pick up the ball. Just pick up the ball and----"

"He screwed the pooch on that one, Bob."

"Certainly did, Jim. So at full time that's a win for the Multiple Scoregasms who take the purse of 20,000 gold pieces with two touchdowns to one. How happy do you think the Raven's Coach, Sven Gorkan Erikson, is right now?"

"Not very Bob, given what he's just done to the linesman."

"Terrible thing to happen to a growing lad, Jim. Good night, sports fans!"

"Fancy going to the ballet, Bob?"


Another fantastic game of Bloodbowl that really did come down the last roll on the last turn with less than a minute to go on the clock. I have to say - and those of you who have read the various AAR on the blog or paid attention to the title will appreciate the full horror of this - I had even worse dice rolls than usual. Truly horrific dice rolls.

Not helped, it has to be said, but the fact that I really couldn't remember how to play the Dark Elves. Still looking forward to the next league match. 

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