"It's the screaming that makes it beautiful." - A Bloodbowl Match Report

 "Good afternoon, Sports Fans! Welcome to another League match of the beautiful bloody game, Bloodbowl."

"and it promises to be a scorching match , Jim."

"That's right, Bob - in more ways that one. It's a sweltering day here in the new stadium. So hot that I'll be surprised if we don't see a few players carried offwith heat exhaustion."

"especailly in those swanky new team kits, Jim."

"So what are the prospects for the match today, Bob?"

"Interesting, Jim; in the pub last night the eager fans were bombarding the coaching team of the Multiple Scoregasms with advice so I think they may have an edge there."

"But the Wissenland Wasps have the advantage of a home crowd, Bob, and that always helps out."

"And here we go for the kick off, Jim. The Scoregasms are receiving, and they've gone for a very conservative set up. They're keeping well back from that bruising lineup of the Wasps."

"And who can blame them, Bob? I wouldn't much fancy half a ton of engorged orc slamming into me this early in the game."

"Each to their own, Jim."

"And a tricky little kickoff from the Wasps there; the Scoregasms are going to have to come close to smacking range to pick up that ball!"

"If they're running true to form, the Scoregasms will waste no time at all in forming up a cage to try and roll that ball down the wide zone -- yes, there they go!"

"And there go the Wasps, smashing into that cage like an enraged elephant hopped up on Goblin shrooms!"

"Possibly a drunken elephant, Jim. That's a clumsy fall there!"

"And it's left a hole the size of a giant's nostril for the human catcher to skip out and dart down the outside! This is a classic Scoregasms run that we've seen them use time and time again to score. The only chance the Wasps have got is if they can somehow shut down that run!"

"Which they've done with the brutality of a Dwarf mine-chief shutting down an unprofitable pit!"

"And the ball has scattered down into the Wasp's endzone!"*

"Oh, Jim -- look at that; the Wasps have gone on the offensive. They're battering through the Scoregasms line, ripping it open for their Blitzer who has grabbed that ball and is legging it down the pitch like an elf with a firework between his cheeks."

"what kind of books have you been reading, Bob?"

"Books that are significantly cleaner than the tactics being used by the Wasps here, Jim. The crackling of codpieces out there sounds like the patter of summer rain."

"More like a monsoon, Bob! Look at the state of the Scoregasm's line."

"Ooooh, that's got to hurt!"

"Death will do that all right, Bob."

"And look at the state of that field as the Wasps run home for a touchdown!"

"And right we were, Bob - there's three from each team laid low by the blistering heat out there."

"The blistering heat of the Wasp's brutality is the real story here, Jim."

"There's not a lot of players left on the pitch as the Wasps receive and pile right back on in there."

"But it gets nowhere as the whistle blows for the end of the first half."

"I don't think we've seen a run twice down the pitch like that in many a year."

"By Nuffle's leathery balls, this could go anywhere; the Wasps are up one touchdown but that's not much of a margin."

"True, Bob, but the Scoregasms are going to have trouble standing up to the punishment the Wasps are putting out. It's certainly going to be an interesting second half."

 "They're both setting up aggressively, Jim."

"And the Wasps are stright in with a brutal play."

"Oh my word, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The human defensive line is going down like wheat bowing in a summer breeze."

"But with more screaming, Bob."

"That's what makes it beautiful, Jim."

"The Wasps are slamming it down the outside-- but oh, look at the size of that tackle!"

"It is a big one."

"But he's up and he's going to try and recover the ball--"

"Nuffle says 'no', Jim."

 "And that's all the break the Scoregasms need as they pelt down to the line of scrimmage and -- are they going for a pass? They are - and it's a loooooong one."

"But it's a good one - and that's a TOUCHDOWN!"

"It's all to play for - but not everyone will be on the pitch as another few players have been struck down by the heat."

"If only they'd had a cool refreshing glass of Bloodweiser to keep them chilled, Jim."

"Have you got another sponsorship deal, Bob?"

"Let's not get bogged down in that right now, Jim. They're getting set up for the next play, and this is going to be a key--"

"--hand on there, Bob - there's a riot in the stands. The Ref has put the clock back!"

"Well now, with more time on the clock this gives more chance for either team to break the tie. And the Wasps are kicking off - and another nasty little play there as they force the depleted little team to come right up close."

"But they're through and they're hammering down like an Elf on the way to a Barack Man'Ilow concert!"

"This could be the tiebreaker, Jim -- but no, look, there goes the Wasp Blitzers. They've not got a chance of blitzing him."

"But they have got a tackle zone on him and -- YES! over he goes!"

"And the Wasps have picked the ball up... surely they can't do it again?"

"Anything is possible by the grace of Nuffle, Bob!"

"They're slamming the remaining Scoregasms out of the way like cheap garden furniture in a hurricane. A last ditch attempt by the humans to knock him down... But oh dear, that's not the way to do it."

"And the way is clear for the Wasps to score a touchdown."

"But it looks like the Scoregasms aren't going to go down without a fight; they're doing the classic. The beauty of this game. They're performing the honourable and ancient rite of Putting The Boot In."

"And they're really going for it with a foul--"

"But oh dear! The ref's seen it! He's been sent off!"

"And the Wasps have sauntered over the line - just as the final whistle goes. That's a win for the Wasps, 2 touchdowns to 1!"

"What a fabulous nailbiter of a game. You know how you can tell it's a good game, Jim? There's practically no-one left on the pitch."

"A full casualty dugout is the sign of a good game, Bob."

"You know what else is the sign of a good game, Jim? That you've worked up a good thirst. A thirst that can only be quenched by a cool, refreshing Bloodweiser - available from this Stadium."

"You're shameless, Bob."

"Shameless and rich, Bob. Shameless and rich."

********                               *******

Another good game of Bloodbowl. I say again - it's impossible to have any other kind. But  - inexpressible joy! - this time I won. I may have to change the name of this blog if this keeps up!

The new pitch and players look rather nice, I think. 

*Yes, we screwed up the rules and rolled a d6 for that scatter. Bugger it; it made for a much better game and more entertaining story.

"I love the sound of crunching codpieces in the morning, Jim. Sounds like... Bloodbowl."

"Hello sports fans, and welcome to the second game of the season!"

"Yes Bob, and it's a very special game. This is a farewell testimonial to the old stadium which is being replaced with a brand new pitch on the 25th of this month."

"Exciting times, Jim, and we should just send a shout out to S Claws and Sons, the Dwarven engineers who are expected to deliver things on schedule."

"I'd not be so sure, Bob, that beast pulling his builder's van looked like it had a nasty cold. So who's playing tonight?"

"It's the Multiple Scoregasms, currently leading the League with their undefeated record. They're up against The Green Machine, a new team from somewhere under the World's Edge mountains."

"So the Scoregasms aren't likely to lose, are they, Bob?"

"Probably not, Jim; Goblins aren't the best players of the game. But the Scoregasms are going to have to watch out for those sneaky little bastards as they have a reputation for dirty play."

"And here we go for the kick off; it's the humans to receive."

 

"That's a fairly classic offense, there, Bob. The Scoregasms have gone with their usual cage tactic while sending a catcher wide incase they want to pull a switcheroo."

"Yes, Jim, and a cage is quite difficult for Goblins to deal with unless they can get the Troll over there... no they can't, the Troll is sitting down in midfield, picking his nose and eating the results. This looks like an easy score for the Humans-- BY NUFFLE'S SWEATY JOCKSTRAP, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!"

"Yes, Jim, that's a bomb thrown by one of the Goblins which has taken down the entire cage as well as knocking the ball-carrier down."

"I can't imagine the Scoregasm's coach will be best pleased by that, Bob."

The Scoregams are headed upfield to try and recover the ball but The Green Machine have unleashed a fanatic with a ball and chain!"

"That's right, Bob - this is Thatcha, a well known proponent of destroying things without purpose or reason. And Thatcha has spun round - and smacked into the troll!

"The ball is back in play Jim, and the Green Machine are going to have to watch out for that Blitzer making a dash down the wide zone. We've seen the Scoregasms try this play before and it's been devastatingly effective."

"That's right, Bob; can the Goblins take him down?"

"Yes Jim, they can. It turns out a chainsaw to the rectum will knock down the hardiest of players."

"He's going to feel that in the morning, Bob."

"I reckon he's feeling it right now, Jim, especially as the little green bugger is trying to ram the chainsaw into his nards."

"It does the heart good to see so many kids in the stands today, Bob - they're seeing the Beautiful game the way it was meant to be played."

"Good grief, Jim - he's up and running again!"

"Running like a bow legged man trying to catch a pig in a passage, Bob, but still running. And the Humans are pressing again down the far wide zone."

The Goblins are laying waste to the teams here; Thatcha seems determined to take down the Troll like he's a dwarven miner's union! Jim, I simply can't see how the Scoregasms are going to get through this... Unless they go for a long pass!"

"There is goes, Bob, sailing down to the newly Soprano Blitzer in the end zone - but he's fumbled it! Oh my word, the ball is on the ground!"

"There's no way the Green Machine can get to it in time to stop the Touchdown though, so what are they going to do?"

"Well, Bob, in the best traditions of Bloodbowl they're going to try and kill as many of the opposition as they can before the end of the drive."

"I love the sound of crunching codpieces in the morning, Jim. Sounds like... Bloodbowl."

"And there it is, Bob - TOUCHDOWN!"

"That was significantly harder fought than I would have suspected, Jim. I see some activity with the Referee there... and yes, it looks like the Fanatic, Thatcha, the Bomma - Blare - and the Looney with the Chainsaw - Broon -  have both been sent off. A fair call, I think."

"Not so fast there, Bob; it looks like some money has changed hands and there's been a conversation about where the Referee lives, what a nice house it is and how it would be a shame if something burny happened to it... and yes, Broon is back on."

"The Green Machine are making a substitution and bringing on their man with the legs, Mayjah on the Pogo stick."

"he's bounced right over and scooped up that ball; the other members of the team have formed a cage round him - Bob, are the Goblins just going to pound down the centre field like they're orcs?"

"The Scoregasms might be worried about just that, Jim - they're pulling back to create a deep defensive line."

"Oh good Nuffle, they're swarming the Humans like scarab beetles up the loose pants of MC Hammer."

"Certainly can't touch this, Jim - it's going to be too sore. And they're stamping on his nadgers! Classic move!"

"But the Ref saw it and he's sending the offending player off. This is bad news for the Green Machine ebcause they can ill afford to lose any bribe money-- but wait! The coach, Sven Gorkan Erikson, is arguing the toss with the Referee -- and he's won! The ref reverses the decision and the player stays on."

"The Trolls have woken up now, Jim, and they're lumbering down the pitch. The Scoregasms have pulled right back to defend the end zone-"

"But Broon is carving through them like someone with a grudge against a turkey! The dugout is filling up rapidly

And the last few humans left up in midfield are not having a good time. What is Trump the Troll doing to that poor linesman, Jim?"

"Dancing the Macarena on his head, Bob."

"Music to my ears, Jim. And the Green Machine have smashed through the defensive line and there goes Mayjah Currymuncher, launching over the carnage and YES - that's a TOUCHDOWN for the Grrrreeeeeeen Machineeeeeeee!"

"Do you have money on them, Bob?"

"Well, that was a nail biting first half, Jim; who would have thought that the Goblins could do so much damage or even score?"

"Yes, Bob - but it's going to be touch and go if they can sustain that for the second half. They must be running short of bribe funds by now."

"And here we go with the second half. The humans are receiivng."

"They're wasting no time there, sending a Blitzer tearing down the wide zone -- some fancy footwork takes him past Belcher the Troll --"

"-- but over on the other side, Broon is carving that poor catcher a new one. Shouldn't happen to a growing lad, Jim."

"Violations of his private gentleman's area aside, Bob, the Scoregasms are goign for a long pass for a touchdown. One of the Goblins is going for an interception -- but he's missed by a mile!"

"And that's been caught neatly in the endzone by the Blitzer, Jim - making a very neat and professional touchdown for the human team."

"Hell of a play, Bob, hell of a play."

"The Green Machine are receiving now, and they've brought Mayjuh back up. He has to be the threat for the Scoregasms?"

"Yes Bob, it looks like the Scoregasms have learned their lesson and are keeping the defensive line forward. How can the Goblins get their best chance of scoring over all that?"

"Well, Jim - it looks like Trump is going to throw Mayjuh, ball and all. Oh, but it's a fumble! That poor Goblin is bouncing all over the pitch - and he's come to rest very close to the human line of scrimmage. Too close, do we think?"

"Much too close; they're on him, he's down, and-- oh my lord he's dead!"

"The crowd goes wild!"

The Green machine aren't going to stand for that. Broon is wading into the humans with all the dedication of a halfling alcoholic raiding a dwarven brewery. He's got them down, he's going for a foul -- he's been seen! The Ref has sent him off!"

"This just goes to prove that anger has no place in Bloodbowl, Jim. The violence should be carefully considered. Sickening brutality is only cheapened by anger."

"Well said, Bob."

  "The Scoregasms are picking the ball up and they're going to make a run for a touchdown of their own.."

"Belcher is there and he can stop them with one mighty blow-- but no, he's stopped to pick up something shiny."

"There's no-one to stop the humans from throwing that ball down to the waiting catcher--"

"Which they do - and it's a touchdown!"

"And at the end of the game, that's 2-1 to the Scoregasms who keep their unbeaten streak."

Well just look at the state of play there, Jim. There's barely any players left on the pitch!"

"That's how you know it was a good game, Bob."

"It was if you didn't have money riding on it, Jim."

****      ****

Another great game of Bloodbowl - although I seriously believe it's not possible to have any other kind. This game is a narrative creating machine; it's also a merciless mistress. What this write up doesn't capture is both of us screaming at the dice and howling with laughter when a single die roll sends everything down the pan. 

The Goblins were, as expected, great fun to play; absolutely insane. The next game will be on the new pitch and I will be fielding a new team - either Orcs or Skaven.